Hello, everybody. Welcome back! Happy Wednesday. It's almost Thursday. So by now, you've heard that a hazardous substance was discovered on the White House grounds. Yeah, none of it came out of Joe – they put newspapers down for him in case if it did. So, now the white powder found in what's been described as a West Wing work area, cocaine, hmm. It was cocaine. Never heard of this stuff. Now, since he was just there, the obvious thing would be to blame Hunter, especially after they found that other baggie filled with hookers. But if you found bear crap in the woods, you're not going to blame the Pope – you're going to blame the bear, and Hunter is the bear. Besides, if it wasn't Hunter's, then who? Joe? It explains the sniffing – he's doing lines off girls' heads. Could it be Kamala? It could explain this. 

VIDEO OF KAMALA HARRIS LAUGHING 

I guess cocaine makes everything funnier. That's why we place the line under all of your seats. Just wait for the break, OK? So what does KJP got to say? I bet it's under the purview of the Secret Service. 

PRESS SECRETARY KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: As you know, this is under the purview of the Secret Service. It is under investigation by the Secret Service. This is in their purview. This is under the purview of the Secret Service. So it lives in their purview. Let them do their investigation. Again, this is under their purview, but we're not assisting in anything. This is under the Secret Service['s] purview.

Somebody discovered a new word. I get so excited when I get a new word. Purview! It also reminds me of my favorite show. Remember this one?

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE LINED WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT COCAINE FOUND IN WHITE HOUSE

GRAPHIC: THE PURRVIEW 

Still a great idea, but it's probably good to leave it up to the Secret Service. Just imagine a White House staffer trying to sniff out the culprit. 

'GUTFELD!' SKIT: So the Secret Service is confident someone in this room brought the cocaine into the White House. We're not going to go accusing anybody, but I hope someone does the right thing and fesses up. Anyone? Anyone?

I'm pretty sure it was Denise. 

Denise. Get your things. Get the f*** out. 

Thanks, Carl. You did the right thing. 

We only use real coke in our skits. It costs eight grand right there. But the fact is they'd be better off blaming Hunter than the White House staff. But will they? I mean, it's Joe's son, and he gets special treatment. We'll probably never know. And now I know this is an obvious point, but can you imagine if this happened to a Trump White House? It'd be a massive story with a huge investigation, and it wouldn't be long before someone started calling for impeachment. But all the talk of Trump denigrating the office of the president somehow wafts away like fumes from a crack pipe-- when it's applied to the Biden family. 

If you recall just a few weeks ago when a transgender activist decided the ultimate expression of pride would be to expose her or himself on the White House lawn. Yep, the bag of coke isn't the first time a visitor had a suspicious package. Say what you want but Donald Trump never turned the White House into a roadside strip joint. And if he had, that topless person wouldn't have hands that could palm a basketball. 

Some things you can't surgically change. So, then let's consider the security issue. Remember the attacks on Trump regarding the Mar-a-Lago documents? The special prosecutor, the media, the entire left condemned him because he didn't handle classified material with what they considered proper security. He should have kept it next to a Corvette, they said, where it can soak up oil stains.

JIM JORDAN LAUNCHES FIRST INVESTIGATION AS JUDICIARY CHAIR INTO BIDEN CLASSIFIED DOCS SCANDAL

But they were outraged that he didn't even know what he had. Well, then what about the reverse? What about when something is brought illegally into the White House and nobody seems to know why or how? Shouldn't the same standard apply? Isn't that a national security issue? What if the substance was anthrax left by a terrorist or worse, cocaine left by a terrorist who now wants to talk about his screenplay? That's what people do. 

If nothing else, we should now get every bit as much of an investigation that was pointed at Trump because we deserve answers and not from KJP who must be too tired practicing ways to say no comment and wrestling with her curling iron. Meanwhile, the media focuses instead on the reaction to the story and not the story itself. They're more peeved by the Hunter jokes and the fact that an illegal drug manufactured by criminal cartels found its way to the home of the American president after likely crossing a border that the president won't police. But the press focusing on the reaction makes as much sense as blaming Hunter's stripper baby for her father. But come on, this is an easy case. 

Your average Dunkin Donuts has an internal video system that would wrap this right up. And this is the White House, for crying out loud. The video security system should be working. I mean, after all, those cameras are there to protect the president, not Jeffrey Epstein. And just as we've seen in recent criminal cases, from Alec Murdaugh to the Idaho college murders, if we let the cops do their jobs, they'll solve this. So let them pull those videos, let them do the interviewing as opposed to the press.

Let them collect all the cell phones that were active in the White House this past weekend and examine the location data. Look for texts that use coded drug language like "The good stuff" or "Peruvian marching powder" and "Call Gutfeld." Put two good D.C. detectives or Secret Service agents on this. And we'll know the culprit faster than you could say, "Matlock."